Friday, April 27, 2007
To Know Just What Hardship Is...and Ovecoming It.
It's hard, you know. Even when we try so hard to change ourselves, it's not easy. After all, it's not just a simple thing we're changing. All of our attributes have a reason for being there,triggered by an experience, a feeling, a realization, a person we know, or just about anything. It just doesn't come out suddenly and becomes a part of our lives. The universal rulebook says that everything has a reason, except for the things that God has a hell out of. But that was besides the point.
We define things as hard. But do we really know what hard is? You call a thing hard when it requires you more than the capabilities you are used to. But that's just it. We don't know our own capabilities. We consider hard as something we can't do, because most people would just forget about it once a task gets that label. But that's not the point.
There are things in ourselves that we want to change. It's not easy, because most of us don't acknowledge these bad attributes. After all, it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist. For example, I am an extremely jealous person. But I often label it as the desire to excel. Until know, I am still jealous.
I have acknowledged that jealousy is a big negative of mine. But why am I jealous? Here comes the reason. I know that I am holding back, and the reason I will not mention. I am not jealous just because others are better than I am, I am jealous of them because they are better than I am when I have experienced and felt things they have not. So, here comes the universal rule I mentioned earlier. Therein lies a reason, no matter how unreasonable they might be.
It is my own fault that I am holding back. No one else's. It's unreasonable to be jealous, but still, I can't help it. This is...me. It's just not that easy.
The lesson here is, there are things you just can't change in a matter of minutes, hours, and days. Things like these take years, even decades, even a whole lifetime. My jealousy was created because of a reason, and it will be destroyed for an equally strong reason. It's just not time yet.
I am not making excuses. All I'm saying is, my jealousy will not disappear. But reason is always there. Jealousy can be cancelled out of the reason most of the time. It is beyond me to be unreasonable, except at times of emotional duress.
I will be jealous.
The fact is, I get over it most of the time. There are things more important, after all. Like not getting slapped, afterwards.
I've completed another memoir of this dignity's self-survival.
