Thursday, February 7, 2008
Migod. It's our wicked monthsary today. Somehow I always end up like this, promising to post more frequently, gaining a little bit more speed, than disappearing from my blogscape all over again. Well, try and try until you die right? Or at least when you get bored of it all.
Tomorrow's the bandfest. I REALLY REALLY don't want to go anymore. I'm much too pressured by schoolwork. This time I swore I'd try my best this quarter; I've fallen down a bit too many times. Besides, if I want to have a good chance of getting into the course i want, I need to get through recognition first. Tomorrow we even have to submit a rel project, which I ended up not doing. COME ON. I don't want to submit a poorly-done project on time. It's demeaning. But still...
I don't want to go to the bandfest. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I've been sleeping all week, and all the euphoria's still not there. I should be overjoyed thinking about the concert, but I'm just not. Everything's been too stressful, and my enthusiasm meter had gone down last Friday. I simply don't even want to go to school tomorrow!
Reciting doesn't seem enough. And the expectation and faces of disappointment will haunt my mind forever. I'd rather see someone furious at me than disappointed. It's one of my biggest fears. It makes me feel like a really big failure. Well, say goodbye to that manner of confidence.
I envy Fixi and Paula. They all seem so driven and ready to get on with their lives. Trixie, too. Even if she doesn't know what she wants, she keeps on going. I really really have to wake up. I wonder if there's something left in my tiny head anymore. I don't care if people call me smart or if I really am; all the knowledge in the world wouldn't let me succeed if I didn't have at least an ounce of determination.
Yes, I didn't get an os. My parents gave a big fuss about it, but now everything's receded. I just wasn't good enough. I want to do better this quarter and recover, but I need all the enthusiasm I can get. Where can I get it? The future just seems so fucking bleak. I just want to sleep and wake up to recognition day, if it was even possible.
I'm in official moping mode. I'm stuck on dreams. I'm tired trying to reach them. Can you help me, please?
