Thursday, October 30, 2008
It's really strange when you start realizing things you haven't noticed before. I guess a week-long break can do that to you, since I've been exhausting myself like a dog during the ordinary school day. Sleep is doing me good in that aspect.
I read one of Rina's posts while bloghopping, and I realized that she's not the only one who's changed. It really made me glance at my proverbial mirror and ask myself what I'm turning into. And watching that episode of Gossip Girl last night really didn't help ease my lamenting. What did she say? "When you make mistakes, rather than saying sorry, you should ask yourself if you know what you're turning into.", or something like that. And that is the question.
I know I've changed from last year. I'm a lot grumpier now, and easily annoyed. I used to be a non-confrontational type that avoided fights like a plague, especially during schoolwork. I really was afraid of someone getting angry or hurt because of anything I did. I guess that's changed too. Even when I restrain myself, I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I almost reached my limit during the dance pro. I'm not tolerating crap from anyone anymore. I guess that's more evident now. I'm far from perfect, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take crap from anyone. You try to screw with me, I'm going to hit you right back.
I was also really detached last year. I guess you could call it playing safe. I mean, if you get too happy about something, you'd probably get more hurt when something bad happens, right? I just didn't want that happening to me. That included all the schoolwork too. If I didn't get too immersed in all of that, failure would affect me less. If I took less risks, my life would be more stable. What a fat lot that's doing to me right now.
My short temper, my stubbornness and impatience, my short-sighted, and all the mistakes I've been doing...I guess it comes from desperation. I'm a senior, and I still haven't done anything that can make me proud of what I am while I'm still in high school. I'm not good at handling stress either. I really feel like I'm grasping straws here. And while I have another life of carefree thoughts, manga, and shopping, what really matters right now is finishing what I started three years ago, and with a bang.
I need to put a smile on my face. A sincere one. If I'm not going to enjoy my last few months in high school, I'd be doomed when I reach college.
Do your worst. I'll do mine. :P
P.S. And to you people, I'm tired of handling your insecurities. I'm TIRED of YOU trying to cover mistakes left and right and making new ones in the process. If I'm going to take crap from anyone, it's not going to be from you. I've had enough of it. If you ever try to confront me again, well...don't expect me to be friendly.
